The last couple weeks have been ugly. And fantastic. And ugly some more. I have 22 or 23 good hours a day and one or two when I want to go somewhere and hide. I've made a couple calls to Dan at work while sobbing (usually Leo is crying along with me) and I've packed everyone into the car and driven around until my sanity returned more than once. 3 pm is the worst--my ability to cope is pretty non-existent between 3 and 4 pm. Noontime isn't much better, especially if we got up early and Leo's not napping. I've started posts three times to say that I'm a crappy mother but somehow the screaming children stop me from finishing them. I think it's helped that I've nailed down the times when I'm most likely to lose it because there's something reassuring about a pattern. On days when Peter naps, I sail through the afternoon and everything's hunky-dory. Leo seems to be napping less, and he's pickier about how he'll nap, so that's been more of an issue over the past week. What, I want to put him down? What was I thinking? The ninety degree heat has helped, I think, because it's forcing me to go outside and move around a bit rather than staying on the couch all day. Now that I'm expecting meltdowns on everyone's parts, I'm figuring out some coping mechanisms--more playdates, giving myself the okay to just put everyone in the car if we're all still awake at 3 pm, long walks where I let Peter walk on the way there (and stop to see construction of the road by our house) and put him in the stroller on the way home, and as much getting ready for outings the night before as I can muster.
I think I expect more of myself than others expect of me--the general consensus I keep hearing is "You have a 2 year old! And a baby! It's a rough time!" That's nice and all, but I'd be more comforted by stories of how it all got easier down the road--just not too far, please. I also have the feeling that there will be less sympathy if we have another baby 2 or 3 years from now--will it be easier when there's a preschooler thrown into the mix? I figure that at best, it's a wash. I'd rather figure out how to deal well with two now before the ZPG'ers blame me for having a third.
My knitting business is definitely getting the raw end of this--it took me a month to knit my last order and I haven't gotten farther than the ribbing on the soaker I started for Leo. If I don't push sales soon, no one's going to remember that I exist, but that means I'd need to take time to knit. My current plan is to make a few things for instock to bring people back for a stocking without the stress of a strict timeline, but instock never sells well.
That leads me to the question of what Dan will be doing this summer. He doesn't know. He gets paid year-round for his teaching job, but I was counting on additional summer earnings to pay down his student loans and do work around the house. He's got another week and a half of school, which means that he has special honors nights and whatnot three times this week, which are 14 hour days. It doesn't leave much time for sleeping, let alone interacting with Peter and Leo or job-hunting. He'll be doing a little tutoring and he really doesn't want teach sailing, but that's all he knows. Ideally, he could work 20-30 hours somewhere nearby that didn't require too much thought. I'm torn between wanting him home to get me from going loony and wanting him to work so we can use the money. If he could be home at 3pm instead of 6pm every day, it would make just enough difference. I like the routines I get into while he's gone and I start getting protective of how the house is run if he's home too much. If keeping the household running is the only job I've got, it's hard to let go of that.
Meanwhile, Peter's really into singing and Leo's making adorable pouts and sticking out his tongue, along with flirting with ceiling fans and shoving fingers in his mouth. They're so darn cute, why do they make me crazy?